Here's a tasty interview with Martina Bedar, author of Departure, by Michael Romano, the assistant editor of The Tantric News.
Michael Romano: From the hours I’ve spent with you and your husband, David, here in your home, you seem to be pretty mainstream, yet Departure tells about a lifestyle that is relatively counterculture. What is your connection with polyamory?
Martina Bedar: I have to laugh when I hear something like that. It seems that all through my life, I’ve been taken for conservative, mainstream. It’s served me well, that perception by others. Professionally, in mental health and education, especially in the early years of my career, I needed to project a certain image, but I always harbored ideas and indulged in practices that were by no means mainstream. I suspect many other people, particularly women, can say the same. Polyamory came to my attention about ten years ago and I found it to make a lot of sense. As Departureillustrates, it’s human to love more than one. I always believed that it’s important to get in touch with what we really feel rather than what we’re supposed to feel, to kind of deprogram ourselves from all the myths we’re indoctrinated with. Monogamy may be just one of those myths. Also, as a mental health professional, the pain and suffering of separation and divorce have been a focus, and most often the cause is having to choose between two people who are wanted by one person. Polyamory eliminates that either-or paradigm. A solid primary relationship that lets others in without anger, jealousy, or possessiveness and with open hearts can be successful, satisfying and rewarding on all fronts.
MR: As you illustrate in Departure, the transition from monogamy to polyamory requires quite a bit of powerful communication and solidarity in the couple. Do you feel your married protagonists, Bella and Peter, handled their transition typically?
MB: I don’t think there is a typical profile of how people handle such an upheaving transition, particularly if it comes about because of an unexpected desire for an outside person. Bella and Peter hadn’t planned to open their marriage. It was only when Bella and Lucas’s relationship grew past friendship that they began considering it. I don’t think they quite understood what they were getting themselves into in terms of the emotions that would arise. They were in uncharted waters, had no frame of reference, didn’t know that other people were doing the same thing. They had to make their own rules and floundered as well as succeeded. There are moments of becoming closer because of their choice, and moments of distance and despair. I think that if they had the support of a poly community from the beginning, it may have been easier for them. All in all, the strength of Bella and Peter’s bond got them through many of the most challenging times. I’d like to think that people who choose polyamory as a lifestyle have a strong enough primary relationship to embrace the choice openly and honestly. If there exist weaknesses in that primary relationship - insecurities, mistrust, fears of abandonment – the journey into polyamory could be seriously imperiled.
MR: How much of you is in Bella and how much of David is in Peter?
MB: With fear of sounding trite, all novels are autobiographical. No writer can be convincingly descriptive if what s/he’s writing about is totally outside her/his sum of knowledge and experience. Bella looks something like me, is about my age, lives a similar lifestyle in terms of socio-economic status, is introspective and has a hedonistic streak, like me. She loves her husband deeply, is a mom, is well-educated, is in the mental health profession, had a rough upbringing and takes risks – all like me. I, however, am more honest with myself and others, and although Bella tries, she falls short of the mark. She chooses a lover I would not have chosen because there were signs and signals about his character that would have made me run in the opposite direction, but which she finds endearing and merely quirky. She is blown away by his later sleaziness, but I would have seen it coming. I also would have predicted trouble in my long-term marriage if I chose to change the dynamics as drastically as Bella did, and I’d do anything to protect the preciousness of my closeness with David. Bella wanted what she wanted so badly, so desperately, that she blew caution to the wind. My hedonistic streak is modified by a rational internal barometer; I have so much of what I want, and live in a constant state of gratitude for it all, that I wouldn’t risk it for the world. As for Peter, I’d say he is very much like David – kind and loving and a giant of a man whose main mission in life is to make and keep his wife happy. I couldn’t think of any other model for Peter, the character, and David seemed an apt fit once Bella’s personality became formulated.
MR: What was Bella’s main attraction to Lucas? It seems as though her standards are high, according to how you describe her selectiveness for people she’s close to.
MB: Part of her attraction is that Bella, by nature and by profession, is a fixer, and Lucas, though proud and self-contained, does, indeed, need fixing – socially, sexually,
as a husband and parent. But it’s more than that. Lucas is very intelligent and interesting, well-traveled and well-read. He introduces Bella to parts of life she hadn’t been involved in. And Bella falls into a trap that so many people fall into. When someone says, ‘I love you,’ our natural tendency is to think that what love means to us is what love means to that person. In Lucas’s case, it means that he loves what Bella does for him and how she makes him feel. For Bella, love means a full connection and wanting to please for the pleasure of giving. Lucas’s giving is for his own satisfaction, so that Bella will keep on making him feel special and good, not because giving to her is pleasure in itself. There’s a big difference there. And the intensity of his sexual desire for her, being middle aged and a tad thick in the waistline, is so flattering and exhilarating that it brings her back to an earlier, younger self, which she enjoys immensely.
MR: The sexually explicit and graphic scenes in Departure are very well done, arousing to read. Have you ever considered writing porn?
MB: (laughing) You’re not the first person who - how shall I say this? – admires my sex scenes. I’m a sexy dame, Michael, in case you haven’t looked past the white hair and, yes, thickening waistline. I love great sex, have had many lovers and three husbands. I guess I’m doing something right, besides cooking. And, no, I haven’t considered porn. What I go for as an author is good, intelligent and insightful writing with true, hot, steamy sex. There isn’t much out there that combines those elements in literature and I think they make for a good, interest-holding story. I’ve been told that Departure is an important, meaty and juicy read, and I’m proud of that description
MR: Why do you think Departureis described as important?
MB: For a number of reasons. It delves deeply into the dynamics of human emotions and behavior in an extraordinary set of circumstances. It normalizes a lot of what many people experience, and takes shame and blame out of the equation. Who in a committed relationship hasn’t felt attraction to an outside person? Not only does Departurelook at the interaction of its participants, but it probes more deeply into why they react as they do, even back to their earliest experiences. It gives a frame of reference that is understandable and clear about our world views and individual drives and motivations. It says that so much of what we wish is different about ourselves is an okay part of being who we are. Departuretells us, too, that there can be no judgments about how or who we love and desire; these are as individual as each of us is.
Also, there are two important subplots in Departure. One is of Bella’s closest women friend, Serena, who is married to and struggling with an alcoholic husband. This is something so many people deal with. Identifying with Serena’s situation and seeing her rationalizations and justifications helps readers identify their own self-manipulations and mechanisms. The other important subplot is that of a separation/divorce and abandonment support group. A great deal of wise, professional counsel is offered to people who have felt devastated by these events, with solid guidelines for coping, accepting and moving forward in life.
MR: You so well depicted the women with whom Peter has lover relationships. Each is different from the other, and different from Bella. How did you decide on their personalities and physical attributes?
MB: These women are totally fictitious and developed as a natural progression of who I believed Peter would be attracted to and for what reasons. I was not intent on making them flattering choices, nor unappealing. They each took on a life of their own as Departureprogressed. In fact, Departuretook on a life of its own as it progressed, which is the way of novels. My creative muse guided me, and although this sounds like a bit more of an existential concept than I usually operate under, there’s truth to it. Something happens when a writer sits down to computer or pad and pen or typewriter. A point is reached when what comes forth is neither preplanned nor totally controlled by the writer. It is a flow, a being in the zone, and personalities and events evolve naturally and, sometimes, miraculously. When I re-read the sections about Peter’s lovers, I was awed by the total lack of similarities to anyone I’ve ever known, except, of course, in some buried and inaccessible part of my memory.
MR: Peter does much better with Lucas than Bella does with Peter’s lovers. Was this intentional?
MB: Yes. There needs to be conflict and tension, and conflict and tension here abound. All the chaotic and uncontrolled emotions that polyamory is supposed to preclude come out in Bella with consequences and outcomes that are startling. I don’t want to give too much away here; it will detract from the suspenseful aspect of Departure. I just want to answer your question truthfully so that readers understand that Bella is an imperfect person, an imperfect woman and wife, and although she views herself as strong, self-knowing and determined, she is, above all, a woman who is walking a tightrope in tornado-strength winds.
MR: Who is your favorite character?
MB: Ah, good question. Truth be told, I love them all. They are my babies who I have pampered through several hundred pages, raised them, doted on them, colored their worlds with guidance and fortitude, and breathed life into them when before they were nothing. In fact, I root for them and for all readers who struggle to be true to themselves, who need courage and support to attain their goals, and who will, with clarity of purpose and reasonabless of action, land on their feet a bit stronger and more self-aware than they were before their journeys began.
Thank you, Michael, for this wonderful opportunity to introduce Departureand its cast of characters to your friends and to the readers of The Tantric News.
You can access the book review at this link.
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